*occasions tear smudges the ink, but not enough to be illegible* Yet again I hurt someone I care about... just because I can not see past my own fears. When it is my fears that got me in the mess I am in in the first place... I realize now that I have always been running. Fears of others... my parents.. their choices for me, though I still believe at the time I never could have stood up to the man they chose for me like I could now.. but then.. I had the backbone to run.. perhaps I could have. Then with my first love I ran from him... because I felt guilty over choices that were made even if they were not all my own. For some reason the thought popped in my head that... he might not be happy with being with me because of what he had to give up...though my logical mind told me that was ridiculous! He never would have asked me to be with him if that was not HIS choice, but so use was I to being "not good enough" all my life that the thought poisoned the rational thought, the running started then.. not from him.. though he believe I was.. I was trying to run from the thought that I ruined everything for everyone...The thought that had I NOT come around then no one would have been hurt... so I did what started everything in the first place and brought me to Valorn.. I ran. I ran from the thought that was hurting me.. and because of it I had trouble facing him. And I ended up pushing him away. Until I lost him completely.. Then having severed the only anchor I had on my sanity I still ran til my feet literally bled.. and my heart closed up in my chest. Still I could not get rid of the notion... Had I had the courage and told him the thought that poisoned my mind I could have avoided SO much hurt.. but I could not put words to it, I tried on several occasions and it was like my tongue swelled up in my mouth and I could not say it...Wanted to ignore it, make it go away.. didn't want the thought there.. but it was like a stinging wasp that wouldn't die... Doesn't seem to matter the good I have done, the people and now even gods.. I have helped.. I keep pushing away those that try and get close to me.. Now... not so much because I am scared of hurting them... but.. because I have been running from.. myself.. so long now.. that.. I no longer know WHO I AM!!! How can I be with or good for anyone when even I do not know who Lavender Cecelia Morgan is? ... Very... very soon I intend to take a trip... no destination in mind.. just away.. not running this time... but a road discovering myself again. I do not know how long I will roam, because I do not know how long it will take. I do not know where I will go because I do not know where my feet will lead me. I just hope I can return to the brave woman I once believed I was. I pray the gods will watch those I love while I am away and guide my feet back home when I find who she is once again. Then... perhaps I will have a hope of finally finding the happiness I wanted when I left my parents house and the pig of a man they wanted for my bondmate.

It is so odd seeing Dundee nearly empty, several of the towns people I have come use to seeing in my day to day life... gone.. I know many people will not be able to cope with what had to be done. The towns people were used, as puppets for for another's purpose. If that is just one aspect of the control the gods CAN have.. makes me all the more glad I serve gods who choose to let us live and do as we see fit. And that we were able to stop the world and us, from falling into his hand before we ALL become mindless playthings at His disposal. I still hope and pray that those we had to fight will be able to be righted again somehow. And I know several who feel shame on having to hunt the towns people down before they became more dangerous...I fully believe had we not sought them out, the bronze one might have called them in on us when fighting him... we had to cover our tails and be sure that we were not going to be fighting on multiple sides. On another note, I have taken on a project in this time. Perhaps it will help keep me from dwelling on the sorry state of things and the sadness from what we did. I am trying to get people together to clean and fix the glorious glass building of the gods. It was shattered and destroyed. Would be nice to see it gleam again in the rifters light. I pray daily that things will be set right again and that we may find a measure of peace.

It's amazing... Doing what I believe was right, and helping save the world the way I believed in seems to have helped heal me, let me forgive myself of my own past failures. I have a sense of purpose again, I have also let myself open to the possibility of finding someone. Soon after I opened up again... someone I considered a wonderful friend, a student of mine, took my hand and made my heart skip a beat. I am so scared I will hurt him like I have others, yet at the same time even more scared not to try... Breath... One turn at a time. I have heard time heals all wounds.. perhaps that is actually true.. but only if one is open to it. So... here is to hoping for a brighter future. I have also learned that a few friends of mine are going to be... ah very protective of me. I hope he is ready to be watched and taunted as my friends try and make sure I will be alright.

We saw success. The gods are back in the sunrifter. And with that I feel a sense of peace now like I haven't had in a VERY long time. Seems helping them helped me forgive myself of all that I messed up in the past. I can't even express how liberating it has all been. For now I know my path, though I walk it alone I can still walk it with my head up knowing that for once I finally made the right choices. A new beginning. I hope now I can move forward and find happiness.

The winds of change are blowing. Which way the winds blow one can not quite tell. Though because of my recent choices the feeling of being lost with out hope... the feelings of self doubt, and uncertainty in what I must do are gone. I know my path. I know which way is now before my feet and this path... is where I should have been all along. I am glad to have been able to be a part of what took place this turn, the goddess grows stronger now. Perhaps with the return of the Ridder.. all that was done, can be undone. I know so many people who were once my friends will hate those of us whom oppose them... but honestly what else are we to do? Stand by and simply perish without a fight because we refuse to follow a god we do not believe in?.. Do not trust? That is simply something I can not do!! I pray... and I am not usually the praying sort... but I pray that we see success in bringing Ridder back as we were Miranda.